dear ben,
i've been writing this letter in my head for quite some time.
i still don't know how it goes.
how do i venture to acquaint the world with you, ben?
why do i feel the need to?
what makes my story of love for my cat any different than the countless others written before i even existed?
you were mine, ben... that's the difference.
my heart is aching from the weight of itself since you have been gone. moreso than i could have ever prepared myself for. you were the kitty on my desk resting his head on my arms as i worked. we had our own playlist. you cuddled me and anything that belonged to me. you slept by my head each night. there is just no way to prepare oneself for the loss of that love.
i'll write my own poetry of your life and i'll post it here for whomever
to read...
to forget...
to cry...
to laugh...
to smile...
to surf to the next page...
i'll post it here because you treated everything in life with a grace that anyone who knew you, even if just for a short time, felt. and in that feeling....in that ephemeral moment of zen that you forced even the non-believer to feel- a little piece of them was changed because they met ben.
i don't have to follow protocol and properly tell the story of how we came together and chronologically explain each and every pain you endured. the world doesnt need the details of how i was willing you to live for as long as you could, one forkful of food at a time.
that's not the point of your life. your life isn't what you came to be, but what you were during your journey. and even to the end, you were pure courage. when you looked away the last time, i knew you were courageously accepting the unknown of your next journey. i was the one falling apart, the one still falling apart as i write this.
on the last day of your life, i found this rock and i bought it to honor you. i needed you on my desk. i put it by your side and told you all the reasons you were courage...
and you cuddled it...
you changed the world, ben. and that is what makes your story different.
if only i could be as brave as you, ben, and forgive those from my past to trust those standing before me. then maybe i could be half the cat you were.
now you are part of the earth. i wake to see you each day out there among the beauty, placed gently among the trees.
im sorry this letter lacks eloquence, i know you'll forgive me. i wanted to write something beautiful for you. my family tells me i always have the words, but not this time, ben. you got me. you were the one that shut me up.
one day, ben, one day ill be able to listen to your song without tears building up...
...we shall survive, let us take ourselves along...
always,
me
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